Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Conversion

Over at Faith * In * Fiction Dave is running another competition: Write a conversion scene / story. I'm not sure if this counts, but its been a bit of a challange to write. WARNING: some adult language contained therein. No offence intended.

So I guess what I did you could call praying, but I don't know.

Mike had been at me for a while to try it. ‘See what happens’, he said. ‘At least you’ll know what you’re dealing with. If don’t try, you’ll never know.’ And he was right – I lived by that motto. “You got to try it to buy it. You’ll never know if you don’t give it a go.” I mean, what was there to lose?

Click the post title to continue reading...It wasn’t as though I needed to pray. I mean, it wasn’t as though I needed a crutch or anything to lean on. It was just that, well, there had to be something more, something that really meant something. I was sick of the advertising. Sick of the whole “Work. Money. Spend! Spend! Spend!” thing. So I had the crib and the car and all the latest tech. I had unwatched DVDs and downloaded CDs by the dozen. But it didn’t really get me, you know? I figured I was only living somebody else’s dream. There was nothing really in it for me. There had to be something else, surely.

And my girl was less than enthusiastic about the idea. Lisa thought Mike was full of shit, trying to mess me up with all that religious talk. ‘You be careful around him, baby’, she’d tell me. ‘Don’t give him too much rope now or he’ll just pull you in and hang you big time. All that religious crap is for losers, and you ain’t no loser. Just look at you. You got me. We got each other. We don’t need no big ass god trying to tell us what to do and what not to do. We’re the winners. We run our own lives. What you doing trying to mess that up with all this god talk, eh?’ And she as right, kind of. She certainly ran her own life. She kind of ran mine too. But wasn’t there something else?

So I prayed, but I didn’t want anybody to know. I certainly didn’t want to make a fool out of myself in front of Lisa, or make Mike think I was more into this than I really was. I just wanted to know. I wanted to know if there was anything really out there, you know? This was all about me, and what I wanted. What I really wanted. I really wanted there to be something more.

I went to a park over on the north side. Somewhere I never went, where people didn’t know me, where I wouldn’t run in to anybody I knew. I figured that if it didn’t work out I could act like a madman or a drunk, just another loser talking to himself, and leave it at that. I tried it. It didn’t work. No big loss. Move on.

It wasn’t a great day, kind of overcast, a bit cold. I really should be doing this inside, I thought, but I pressed on. I just wanted to get it over with. I found a deserted bench on the grass somewhere – there was no way I was using one of the ones on the walkway – and sat down. It was wet. Great. What a way to start. A cool wind blew of the lake into my face, and I could feel it go through me. I closed my eyes. I have no idea what I’m doing. I opened them again. Why the fuck did I come here? I looked around. The place was deserted, probably because of the weather. Well, at least I don’t have to worry about seeing anybody. OK, here goes. I closed my eyes again, and took a deep breath. Is there something more? Is there something out there? I don’t know you. I don’t know if anything is there, listening, but here I am. I want to know if you’re there. I want to know if there is something more to life than just this. Surely, there’s got to be something.

Mike always said that too few people listen to god. They talk about him, they talk at him, and they talk to him. But how many actually wait to hear from him? I wondered what it would be like to be god, having one way relationships all the time. I figured that if I wanted to know if something was really there, I had to wait for an answer. I said this to Lisa once. She just laughed at me and said I could be waiting a life time. I don’t know. If I were a god being talked at all the time, I’d want to talk back, I think.

So I waited. I don’t know how long, but probably only a minute or two, but it seemed like ages. I couldn’t keep my mind on trying to listen. I didn’t even know what I was listening for. I wanted to keep as open as possible, kind of zoned out, but I couldn’t. I thought about all sorts of stuff: work, movies, Lisa, Mike. Eventually I opened my eyes again. What a waste of time that was.

I looked out over the lake. Some ducks were just taking off, leaving the emerging winter for some warmer place. There is something more. I’m here, you know. What the? Where did that come from? Its just my mind, I thought, just my own mind playing tricks. But then again: No, I’m here. Come with me. Let me show you something more.

I can’t say that I became I a bible bashing, card carrying, loud mouth Christian that day, but something changed. I know there’s something more now, and I know that God has something to do with it, but I don’t know exactly what. I need to find Mike and talk with him some more. Maybe we’ll go to that park on the north side. You know, I don’t think Lisa’d understand.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
StrangeLand Bass said...

Cool.

Wanted to add a comment - and let you know my blog addy as well - strangebass.blogspot.com :)
Thanks!

Wes - from CB...

Becky said...

This really rings true... reminds me of a guy I knew in college who was the last person you'd think would become a Christian. But he did. Thanks for sharing.

Becky